His Woman, His Wife, His Widow Page 19

  “Hey, baby! Did daddy do you right or what?”

  “You always do. Shaun, do you love me?”

  “What? Where did that come from?”

  “We’ve been together for about a year, and we’ve never said those words to each other. I’m sure you know I love you. Do you love me?”

  “Keva, you know I already have a woman. What is with all this love stuff? I thought you realized we were just kicking it with each other.”

  “I felt as if Shaun punched me in the chest.” She sighed heavily. “That’s how badly my heart hurt after hearing him say that. I was stunned speechless. I just lay there in bed with my mouth hanging open hoping he would retract his words, but he didn’t. He simply explained how he was not willing to leave you for me.”

  “Look, Special K. I enjoy the time we spend together and everything, but at the end of the day, I go home to Lindsay. We discussed this in the beginning. I don’t think I’ve ever led you to believe anything different.”

  “What do you mean you have never led me to believe anything different? How can you expect me to believe that everything is honky-dory with you and Lindsay when you spend almost every day with me, having sex with me, getting me—”

  “Shaun cut me off, figuring he knew what I was going to say next, supposedly setting me straight.”

  “How was I getting you all confused or worked up? I have never said anything negative to you about Lindsay or our relationship. You and I have never even spent the night together. Keva, I like you. If it’s cool with you, we can still continue to kick it, but I’m not leaving Lindsay to start a full-blown relationship with you.”

  “Even though he had hurt me beyond what words could accurately describe, I still loved and wanted to be with him. I realized if I told him about me being pregnant right then, he would probably suggest I have another abortion. There was no way I was getting rid of his baby, so I decided to hold on to the information a while longer, hoping that eventually Shaun’s feelings for me would grow deeper, and he wouldn’t want me to abort our child.”

  “I’m sorry, Shaun. I did jump to conclusions. It’s just that we always have such a great time together I got ahead of myself. We can definitely continue to kick it.”

  “I lay there feeling like the biggest dummy, but a dummy holding a trump card.” Keva ended that part of the story with a faraway look in her eyes, staring off as if she were viewing the sad scene on the screen of her heart.

  I sat in my chair listening as Keva told the cheerless saga of her and Shaun’s lopsided love affair. I almost felt sorry for her. How could she allow him to treat her so casually when she was so deeply in love with him? Where was her sense of self-worth?

  As much as I hated her and Shaun’s betrayal, I still felt I could hold on to some shreds of dignity for two reasons. One, he never told her he loved her. He often said those words to me. Two, he told her he wasn’t willing to leave me for her. Yet and still, there were still some unanswered questions, so I prepared myself to hear more of their sordid tale.

  “When did you finally get around to telling Shaun you were pregnant?” I asked.

  “Would you believe it was the same day you found out you were pregnant?” Keva responded.

  My eyes became as big as saucers. All the color drained from my face. My ears were ringing. My head felt like it was in a vice grip. I instantly became a physical and emotional mess. My God! So much happened that day, and I was the recipient of only half the day’s events while Shaun and Keva knew everything.

  “Tell me what happened,” I demanded.

  Before she could begin again, Keva’s son awoke. She gave him a bottle of infant formula prior to telling me the next phase of this crazy drama. Keva was very gentle with her son. I could tell she adored him the way I adored Shauntae.

  “What’s his name?” I was almost afraid to ask.

  “Kevaun,” she replied and spelled it. The name was a combination of her’s and Shaun’s like Sha’Ron. Keva finished her story while she fed her baby. “I was three and a half months pregnant the day I finally told Shaun. Again, it was after we finished having sex. Shaun made mention of the fact that I was picking up weight. Up to that point, I purposely spent a little less time around Shaun. Francine knew the situation, and she and I would make it our business to be doing something away from the house. I also went out of my way to hide the pregnancy from everyone else as well. The last thing I wanted was for someone like Tameeka or Patricia to bust me with any looking like you’re pregnant remarks. The fact that my belly had not gotten that big helped a great deal. I concealed my size with big clothes.”

  She went on to tell me about her and Shaun’s conversation that day.

  “Keva, what you been eating, girl? You’re starting to get a little thick around the stomach and hips,” Shaun remarked.

  “I haven’t been eating anything unusual unless there’s something you can eat that causes pregnancy.”

  “That’s not even funny, Keva. Don’t play around like that.”

  “I’m serious, Shaun. I’m three and a half months pregnant.”

  “I can’t believe this. Why would you do something so dumb? What Do you think by laying up here telling me you’re pregnant, you’re going to make me leave Lindsay?”

  “My being pregnant has nothing to do with your girlfriend, Shaun. This is between you and me. This is our baby.”

  “This is not our anything. I’m not trying to be a daddy again right now. And even if I were, I would be having the next child with my woman, okay. So if you’re telling me the truth right now, you’re just going to have to have another abortion.”

  “I’m fifteen weeks pregnant, Shaun. It’s too late to safely have an abortion.”

  “You did this on purpose, didn’t you?”

  “I went on to explain how I wanted to tell him about it the first day I found out and how I couldn’t after our conversation about love. Shaun had never gotten upset with me before, but at that moment, he was pissed.”

  As I listened to Keva, I remembered the tension that was in the air that day. I correctly assumed at the time that it was all due to Shaun being caught up in something, but I had no clue how much something there was until now.

  “When you were leaving Patricia’s house that day, you and Shaun had just argued about the pregnancy?”

  “Yes. Believe it or not, I was glad you showed up when you did. I really needed to get away from Shaun. The last thing I wanted was for him to drive me home and torment me some more about my stupidity or his love for and refusal to leave you.”

  My emotions were now all over the map. I was angry, confused, hurt, sad, jealous, scared, and even a little proud. I lowered my head to my knees and closed my eyes in an effort to sort through everything Keva had said. I had listened to more than I cared to ever hear. In my heart I knew there were still some things I was unaware of, but needed to know. Keva picked up the story again just as she finished feeding her son.

  “I walked to that bus stop, crying all the way there. I cried the whole time I waited for the bus. I cried through the entire ride. I cried for the better part of two days. That’s how long it was before I heard from or saw Shaun again. He showed up on my mother’s doorstep to talk to me.”

  “Hey, Special, K. What you been up to? Can I come in?”

  “Hello, Shaun. Come on in.”

  “How you feeling?”

  “I’ve been better, Shaun.”

  “Look, Keva. I’m sorry if I hurt you the other day. When you told me you were pregnant, I was seriously shocked. As much as I love my son, he was an unexpected baby. Just once, I would like to be in control of if and when I have children. To top it off, Lindsay’s pregnant too. She told me when I got home; right after you laid your news on me ...” Keva paused to take a breather, then continued on.

  “I cried after he told me that too. My plan was falling apart right in my face. I was supposed to have Shaun make a choice; me and our baby, or you. Knowing his feelings about abandoning a child,
I figured I would have a good chance of getting him all to myself using the baby as my ace in the hole. But I knew I couldn’t win against you and a baby. You made the playing field level without even knowing you were in the game.”

  Keva was absolutely correct. I had no idea that I was being played like Lotto. Up until the day I initially saw the two of them together, you couldn’t have paid me to believe Shaun was cheating on me. I began to feel naive and stupid all over again. Shyanne tried to warn me repeatedly. All the signs were there in plain sight. I was just too much in love to read them.

  I got up from my chair and walked to the shelf in our living room. On the shelf was a brand new picture of Shaun and Shauntae. When we took her for pictures at six weeks old, I didn’t want to participate because I felt my face was still too fat. I stared at the picture for a long moment, wondering how he could be so dirty and deceitful. Wondering how long he would continue to cheat on me. Wondering how, after everything I learned today, I could still be so much in love with him. I returned to my seat and continued the inquisition.

  “So what’s going on between you and Shaun now?”

  “The only thing between me and Shaun now is a bunch of lies and broken promises. That’s why I’m here today. I’m tired of being lied to. I’m tired of me and Kevaun being treated like Shaun’s dirty little secret.”

  “What do you mean dirty little secret? Doesn’t his family know about you and Kevaun?”

  “Yes, but ever since your daughter was born, Shaun acts as if we don’t exist anymore. I used to see Shaun everyday. When Kevaun was born, he got me my own apartment. He even started staying the night with us sometimes. He told me you thought he was out of town on business with Uncle Bobby on those evenings.”

  Though I was not surprised to find out he lied about being out of town at this point, there was one imaginary trip that concerned me.

  “Was Shaun with you or was he really in Florida on the day my daughter was born?” I asked.

  “What do you think?” was her simple reply.

  Aghh! Again I put my head down, trying to alleviate the pounding in my brain. I wished somebody would have warned me that today would be the worst day of my life. I would have stayed in my bed and slept through it. Keva kept on talking through my agony.

  “Since you gave birth to your daughter, Shaun has completely ignored me and Kevaun. I can never catch him at his mother’s, but he leaves money for me with Frannie. He has only been by my apartment two or three times in the last two months. When he does show up, he only stays long enough to hold the baby for a moment. He then gives me some money and leaves, always promising to return soon,” Keva complained.

  Wait! Now I got it. Everything was certainly becoming very clear. As long as Shaun was willing to see her and sleep with her everyday, she was cool with keeping their dirty little secret. Now that he had dissed and dismissed her, Keva was playing the role of the woman scorned, willing to tell it all. I was now back to being pissed and ready to choke her. This cow brought all this grief into my household to hurt me, not to help me. This little visit today was a clear-cut case of misery loving company.

  Motherhood must have made me soft because the only two things that kept me from pounding Keva’s head into my carpet were my daughter and her son. I’m sure my increased church attendance and renewed relationship with God had something to do with it also. Keva was about to get a verbal beat down, however.

  “Let me get this straight, Keva. Shaun has played your sorry behind to the left, so you decide to come to my home and snitch on him, probably hoping I’ll kick him to the curb. You waltz all up and through here pretending like you were really concerned about me knowing the truth, when the real truth is your second-string butt is just trying to get my position in the starting line-up.”

  I stood up walking in slow circles around the couch where Keva and her son sat. I was doing my best to intimidate her, making her think I would start swinging on her at any moment. My little performance obviously achieved its desired effect. While I talked, Keva started putting the baby’s coat on and getting her things together.

  “Listen, Special K. No matter how good you are in bed, no matter how many babies you have, no matter how much his hateful mama likes you, Shaun will never ever leave me for a whore like you. You played yourself like a dollar store toy, and when he was all done having his fun, he put your behind on the shelf. Bet you don’t feel so special now, do you?”

  Keva finished bundling her baby and stood up to leave. She had nothing else to say. She walked to my door, head hanging low, clutching her child like a lifeline. Just as she got ready to open my door, I walked up and stood no more than six inches behind her. She didn’t turn around, so I started speaking to her back.

  “Shaun has been here every single day and night since our daughter was born. When I told him I was pregnant, I let him know that I was considering having an abortion. He said he was having none of that kind of talk from me. And not one solitary day ever goes by without him telling me how much he loves me. Now get out of my house.”

  I walked around Keva and snatched the door open. She practically ran through it trying to get away from my verbal abuse. I could feel the misery seeping from her pores. I slammed the door and went back to the sea that held me hostage during Keva’s outpouring of pain into my life. I sat there wondering if my last words were said for her humiliation or the benefit of soothing my own broken heart. Keva’s misery had a whole lot of company today.

  Chapter Fifteen

  My heart and soul ached as I held my head and thought about Shaun’s betrayal. I searched the Spirit in me; the Spirit I had neglected, for answers. I started making myself believe that since I had been so neglectful to God, perhaps He started neglecting me. I was living in sin, I had a baby out of wedlock, and I was living with a lying, cheating, drug dealer; a perpetual destroyer of human lives. I’d been back in church for six weeks, yet I had virtually walked away from God for over four years. I couldn’t blame Him for forgetting about me.

  I remained in the chair for more than an hour after Keva left. I sat there crying until I heard my daughter awaken. I went upstairs, changed her, came back down, prepared her bottle and then went back upstairs to feed her. I held my daughter, looking down into her beautiful face, staring at the face that belonged to the man who had broken my heart.

  While I loved my daughter with all my heart, I hated looking at her right now. I hated what her face represented. I hated the pain I was in right now because of the face that looked just like hers. It was very hard to be with her at this moment, but I knew Shauntae had to eat. I silently pleaded with her, however, to hurry up, finish and go back to sleep. I needed to be away from her.

  Shauntae must have felt my need for space, because she fell right back to sleep as soon as I burped her. However, moments of solitude were not to be had. Shaun came in just as I headed downstairs to wash my daughter’s bottle.

  He had not even closed the door behind him before I hurled Shauntae’s bottle down the stairs right at his head. The plastic bottle connected with a dull thump, making me angry because it was not made of glass.

  “What the ... Lindsay, why are you throwing things at me?” Shaun spat.

  I didn’t answer his question. Instead I ran down the stairs at top speed and attacked him. I swung my fist with all my might. I didn’t even bother aiming. I just swung. It had been a long time since I had actually been in a fistfight, but the way my blows were connecting let me know I had not lost my skill. Truth be told, I was probably only winning the fight because Shaun wasn’t fighting back. He was so caught off guard by the whole attack that he just stood there trying to block my punches.

  Eventually his defensive nature took over. He grabbed me off my feet in a big bear hug, throwing us on the sofa. Shaun held my arms very tightly to prevent me from hitting him anymore. By then, however, his nose was bleeding, his lip was busted and bleeding, and my knuckles were scrapped and swollen. Oh yes! I whipped his tail, but I still wanted mor
e.

  “Let me go!” I started to swear and call him ungodly names. I struggled so hard to get free that we both rolled off the couch onto the floor. On the way down, I bumped my shoulder on the coffee table, yelling in agony. The pain knocked the rest of the fight out of me.

  Shaun got off me and lifted me to my feet. He immediately moved away from me and went to stand behind the chair. Out of breath, he began trying to find out the reason for my attack on him. “What ... is ... wrong ... with ... you? Are you suffering ... from postpartum depression? What demon has possessed you?”

  “Try Demon Keva and your seven-month-old son!” I yelled while trying to rub away the pain in my shoulder.

  Shaun’s face instantly turned as white as a ghost’s. He looked like he had stopped breathing. He walked around to the front of the chair, literally plopping into it, holding his chest with one hand and shielding his face with the other. Humiliation radiated from his pores, and his leg started twitching nervously. I verbally attacked while he was vulnerable.

  “What’s the matter, Mack Daddy Shaun? Cat got your tongue? Aren’t you even going to deny it like you did the first time I asked you about having a relationship with Keva? Remember that, Shaun? Remember telling me that she was just a friend of Frannie’s?” I continued without taking a breath.

  “I know what happened. Frannie got Keva pregnant, and since you’re such a wonderful man, you decided to take responsibility for the baby the two of them conceived. We all know how you hate to see a child without a daddy.” I yelled at the top of my lungs, momentarily forgetting about the baby upstairs. Shaun, however, regained his composure long enough to protect his daughter.

  “Can you lower your voice, Lindsay? I know you’re angry with me, but Shauntae should not have to suffer because of it.”

  “I’m surprised you remember her name considering you’ve got kids running around all over the city.” My voice was lowered, but my sarcasm was on full blast.