His Woman, His Wife, His Widow Read online

  I was sure that Granny was wrong about Shaun even though he was raised by a single woman, but I didn’t feel like arguing the point with her without any solid promises or commitments to back me up. So I just skipped over this subject and back peddled a little. “Granny, can you explain what you meant when you said this type of thing is discussed on television all the time?”

  “Sorry, baby. I did get a little off track, didn’t I? I’m talking about your dependency on your man. What you feel for Shaun is very typical of what women go through when they are abandoned or never knew their biological fathers,” she started explaining. “These women are looking for security as well as love from men in an effort to replace the love they didn’t get from the man that was supposed to love them the most, their fathers. Chile, they did a special about this type of dependency disorder on Oprah not long after you and your mama fell out. It lasted a whole week.”

  No way was my granny trying to tell me what I felt for Shaun was the result of my deadbeat daddy leaving my mama, my brother, and me. She couldn’t possibly think I was looking for Shaun to be a father figure to me, could she? I thought she understood my feelings for Shaun. She once compared what Shaun and I had to what she shared with my granddaddy. I couldn’t believe my ears. I was very close to tears as I tried to explain that my love for Shaun was genuine.

  “Granny, my feelings for Shaun are real. I sincerely love him, and it has nothing to do with my daddy. I don’t even miss my daddy. I hardly ever think about him. Mama always made me and K.J. feel loved despite our absent father. So your theory doesn’t apply here. I am with Shaun because Shaun is who I want to be with; simple as that.” By the time I was done with my explanation, the tears had started to fall.

  My granny looked at me with half-believing eyes, then came over and gave me a big hug. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted you to know the whole story, to give you a few things to think about. You know I think you are the smartest woman alive because I taught you everything you know.” Granny released me from the bear hug, smiling at me through watery eyes of her own.

  “Listen, Nay-Nay, your graduation ceremony is only a week away. I know you aren’t too pleased with your mama right now. I also know that you have not spoken with her since you left last year. But it was your mama who raised you, fed you, clothed you, changed your stinky diapers, and took care of you when you were sick. For seventeen long years, it was your mama you ran to with all of your problems, and it was your mama who helped you solve them. You said so yourself; your mama gave you and your brother the love of two parents when your daddy left.” Both Granny and I were bawling now, but she kept on fussing through her tears.

  “And while she is a grown woman, she is still my child. I know she is still hurting over the way the two of you fell out that night. You don’t even talk to each other anymore. I can’t stand by anymore and watch my child be hurt without saying something about it.

  “Nay, this is what I want you to do. I want you to call your mama and invite her to your graduation. She has more than earned the right to be there.”

  Granny plopped down on her bed as if she were exhausted from our conversation. She wiped away her tears, staring off into space. I sat on the edge of the bed, lost in my thoughts and Granny’s words.

  By the time Shyanne and I left, I felt miserable. I was completely silent during the drive from Granny’s to Shyanne’s house. She could tell I was in no mood to talk, so she just left me to my musings.

  I didn’t realize how much I truly missed my mama until that day. Mama and I always had a good relationship until I became involved with Shaun. I had always been grateful to her for not always throwing up Daddy’s absence in our faces like a lot of single mothers often did. I appreciated the fact that in spite of her having to work a lot of overtime to support us, she never seemed too tired to take us on outings, to prepare our meals or to even just sit and listen. Mama never missed a parent-teacher conference or any school performance I was in. She even volunteered to chaperone a couple of school field trips. And with the exception of this last one, I even appreciated the butt-kickings I received because I knew they were always given with love and for my own good.

  When I dropped Shyanne off and we said our good-byes, I went back to reflecting on all my mother had done for Kevin Jr. and me. Being totally honest with myself, I had to admit I was pretty blessed to have her. I could have gotten stuck with a mother who could care less about what I did, like my friend, Sharay.

  Sharay’s mom is very pretty. She looks like she is still in her early twenties so she still gets a lot of play from a lot of men. Sharay’s mom is always putting her men before Sharay and her older sister, Linda. Every two weeks or so, their mother has a new man in the house.

  My mother is still quite attractive as well, but for the life of me, I can’t remember her ever introducing us to a man. I can’t even remember her leaving the house to go on a date. She hung with the Kennedys or her girlfriends from time to time, but I don’t know of any men being involved.

  When Mama got saved about eight years ago, the change in her was almost instantaneous. She quit cursing. She started going to church every Sunday and to Bible Study every Tuesday. Mama now seems so much happier and at peace than she did before she became so involved with God. At least she did until I started dating Shaun. I have probably driven her to near alcoholism since I left. Then again, I doubt it. My mama is very strong. She’s probably just leaning on God and doing fine.

  As I got to the airport terminal where Shaun was arriving, I decided I would call my mama as soon as we got home to invite her to my graduation. I was very nervous about what I would say to Mama when she answered the phone. It had been months since I last spoke to her. Not one word from either of us since the night of my beat down. I never even asked Kevin about her when I saw him in school.

  When we got home, Shaun went upstairs to spend some time with Sha’Ron so I could have some privacy. After he left, I found myself wishing he had stuck around for support. It took me forever to talk myself into picking up the phone and dialing my old home phone number. When I did, I dialed the number real fast before I lost my courage. Mama picked up on the second ring just like she always did. I remember our conversation verbatim; like it was just yesterday instead of a month ago.

  “Hello,” she answered.

  “Hi, Mama. It’s me, Nay-Nay.” I could hear her surprise through the telephone lines.

  “Nay-Nay. It has been a long time since I heard from you. Everything is okay isn’t it?” I could tell Mama was a little worried by her tone. I almost broke into tears again.

  “Yes, Mama. Everything is fine. I’m sorry I haven’t called you before now to let you know I was okay. I guess I assumed that Granny would pass along the news that everything was fine.” I talked fast because I was both nervous and choked up.

  “Your grandmother has kept me informed. I was simply concerned that perhaps something had happened recently. It’s good to know you are all right.”

  “Thanks, Mama. The reason for my call now is to invite you to attend my graduation ceremony.” I didn’t realize it, but I gripped the phone and held my breath as I waited for her reply. I was so unsure of what she would say. It was at that moment that I realized how very disappointed I would be if she declined my invitation.

  “Did your grandmother put you up to this? I know you and Shyanne spent the weekend with her.” Mama’s question made me think before I answered. It was Granny’s idea to invite her, but after our conversation I recognized how much I owed to my mother, how much I wanted her to always be a part of my life. So I told her so.

  “Mama, Granny and I did talk. She is the one who suggested I invite you, but it was after our talk that I decided it would be really important to me if you came. I know you don’t agree with my relationship with Shaun, but I miss you, Mama. I would really appreciate it if you would agree to be my mother again. I’m not asking to come home or anything like that. I just want to know you will
be there for me when I really need you.” I fought as hard as I could to hold back the tears. I was winning the fight too until my mother spoke again.

  “Lindsay, I would never turn my back on you if you needed me. You are my child. Nobody can change that. I don’t have to agree with your lifestyle or the choices you make to support that lifestyle. I don’t have to spend every waking moment in your face or in your business. I don’t have to like the person you choose to spend your life with. As long as you are committed to your choices and handling your business, then I have no right to interfere in the way you live your life. You are nearly eighteen years old. It is not my place to judge you. As long as you can face God when it is all said and done, then I’m fine.

  “But know this: I will always, no matter what, no matter who, no matter where, be there for you when you feel you need me to be there for you. My job was to raise you to be a responsible adult. Just listening to you talk today lets me know I did my job well.”

  That is when the floodgates came crashing wide open. I boo-hooed like a hungry infant. I cried so hard I didn’t think I would be able to utter another word. Yet, I somehow managed to go on.

  “It feels so good to hear you say that, Mama. I’m very blessed that you’re my mother. Please say you’ll come to my graduation ceremony. It’s on June eleventh.” I gave her all the details through my sobs and tears.

  “I would not miss it for the world, baby.”

  Graduation was three weeks ago. Though our relationship is different now, my mama and I are back to being close again. She doesn’t question me about my relationship, and knowing how she feels about Shaun, I don’t bother her with our problems. Those I reserve for Shyanne.

  Lately her poor ears have been getting worked overtime. My relationship with Shaun is changing so much and so fast. It is like I hardly know him anymore. He’s always gone or busy on the phone when he’s here. His pager is constantly going off, and there is always some spur of the moment meeting.

  The good thing about any of this is I have at least started going back to Bible Study. Shyanne and I now attend the adult class with our mothers.

  Shaun is still as romantic as always whenever he has time, but time is our biggest enemy lately. If I get him all to myself one day a week, I have to be grateful. Whenever I complain, he always pacifies me by telling me he is working as hard as he is for us. He continually promises we will have our own place by my eighteenth birthday, which is now less than thirty days away. Maybe things will get back to normal once we have our own apartment ... maybe.

  Chapter Nine

  August 1994

  True to his word, Shaun and I are moving today, three days before my eighteenth birthday. Shaun signed the lease two days ago, and we have spent the last two weeks picking out furniture.

  We are renting a cute two-bedroom townhouse right at Telegraph and the I-96 service drive. It has one and one-half bathrooms, a full kitchen with a nook, a living room, and a small dining area. I love it. I’m the only one in my small crew of friends that has my own crib.

  Shaun has given me carte blanche to decorate the townhouse anyway I want, as long as I leave room in the living room for his big screen television. He has been shelling out money like water. Whenever I tell him I want something for the house, he asks how much it costs, then hands me the money in cash, never complaining about the price. I guess this is what he had been working so hard for during those times I barely saw him. Hopefully things can return to normal so I can have my man back.

  “When is the furniture supposed to be delivered, Nay?” Shyanne asked.

  “I wanted to make sure we were definitely in the place, so I called them and told them to deliver it today. The bedroom furniture and television are on the way here now. Shaun rented a U-Haul truck to bring the things we have at his mother’s house.”

  “Is Shaun bringing the stuff himself or did he hire movers?” This was Shyanne’s subtle way of asking if Shaun would be available today to help with the move since he is gone all the time. Like I said, I had spent the last two weeks shopping with Shyanne and she has not seen Shaun once during that time.

  “Shaun did hire movers, but he is there with them making sure they don’t damage anything. He will be here shortly, Miss Slick.”

  “I’m not trying to be in your business, Nay, but I’ve been a little worried about you lately. You’ve been kind of depressed. I know it’s because you’re worried about what Shaun is doing while he is away all the time.”

  I admit I have missed Shaun and the time we used to spend together, but I didn’t know I was buggin’ to the point of seeming depressed. “Well, I won’t have to worry about Shaun, and you won’t have to worry about me anymore. Shaun has been working extra hard to get the money needed to move into this place and furnish it. Now that he has accomplished that goal, he will have much more time for us.”

  “Uh-huh. Okay if you say so. I can’t wait to see how this place shapes up once the furniture is put in place. And remember—” I cut Shyanne off mid sentence. I wanted her to explain what she meant by if I say so. She acted as if she knew something and wasn’t telling me what it was.

  Shyanne was always worried about whether or not her boyfriend was cheating on her. For some crazy reason, she was convinced that Antonio couldn’t be trusted. This is something we discuss, then argue about quite often. Now, however, her distrust is seemingly being put upon Shaun.

  “What’s up with the suspicions, Shy? Why do you always imply that something is not right?”

  “Look, girl. You know I love you. I love Shaun too, but if you want me to be honest with you, here goes. You said yourself that Shaun is hardly home. When he finally does stumble in, it’s usually after one or two in the morning. I know you think he’s working, Nay, but come on. Let’s get real. What could Shaun be doing in the streets from ten or eleven in the morning until the wee hours of the following morning? Antonio is in the same business as Shaun. Yet he has a regular shift. He has to be at his spot from nine in the morning until seven in the evening. Then someone else comes in and relieves him.”

  Shyanne is always so convinced that someone is cheating. She is so paranoid it is ridiculous. Perhaps it was because she was unfaithful in her previous relationship. Now it’s one thing for her to trip about her man, but now she’s buggin’ on mine. I didn’t like it one bit.

  “What makes you think Antonio and Shaun are doing the same thing? There is a world of difference between what they do. Shaun is in charge of the house Tony works in, along with several other houses. Antonio is a small player in a big man’s game. Shaun is on his way to being the man-next-to-the-man.” I didn’t have to be so vicious, but she pissed me off.

  “Secondly, Shy, why are you so insistent that our men are dogs? You haven’t given me one shred of credible evidence to prove that Antonio is cheating on you. I know for a fact I haven’t said anything to make you believe that Shaun is cheating on me. Shaun loves me. This I know with every bone in my body. So, Shy, from this point on, I don’t want to hear you say or insinuate anything else negative about my man unless you have solid evidence of him being with somebody else.”

  “Fine, Nay. If you want to live in a dream world, go right ahead. I won’t say another word about Shaun one way or the other.” She threw her hands in the air and turned her back to me.

  I let the conversation drop, but I was still a little upset with her. It was really hard for me to understand her views on relationships. Her parents are still together after more than twenty years and very much in love. Because of that, it seems she would have a better outlook on love. Considering the fact that my father is a runaway, I should be the skeptic, not her.

  The U-Haul truck and the furniture store delivery truck arrived at the townhouse simultaneously. I ran from the house to find Shaun, but I didn’t see his car anywhere. So I assumed he rode in the U-Haul. I walked over to the truck to find him

  “Excuse me, where’s Shaun?” I asked the driver.

  “He gave us direction
s, then got in his car and left,” the driver responded. “I assumed he was on his way here. Do you know where this stuff goes?”

  He must be on his way. I showed the U-Haul driver where to put the things and asked Shyanne to show the furniture store gentlemen the same.

  Two hours later, both trucks were emptied and everything put in the proper places, but there was still no sign of Shaun. I was surprised he hadn’t bothered to show up or at least call. I began to get worried so I paged him. It wasn’t until I keyed in our new phone number that I realized he probably had not called because he couldn’t remember the number.

  “Who you calling?”

  I knew Shyanne already knew the answer to her question, but I responded anyway. “I paged Shaun and don’t start with me, Shy. He probably hasn’t called because he couldn’t remember the new phone number.”

  “Whatever you say.” Before I had a chance to start arguing with her again, the phone rang. I picked up assuming it was Shaun.

  “Shaun, where are you?”

  “Hello to you too, Lindsay.”

  “Sorry. I’m just worried about you. Why didn’t you come with the movers? The driver said you were on your way.”

  “I never told the driver I was on my way to the townhouse. I gave him the address and directions and told him to tell you Uncle Bobby paged me 911 from the collision shop. So I headed straight there.”

  “How long will it be before you come home?” I watched Shyanne while Shaun and I talked. She was doing her best not to seem interested in what I was saying, but I knew her too well. She was all into our conversation.

  “Lindsay, I’ve explained this over and over to you. I don’t punch a time clock. My business can call me anytime, all times of day and night. Since I’m trying to come up and make a name for myself, I have to work twice as hard as the next guy. My uncle doesn’t play favorites. Now I have two meetings, then I need to pick up some money. I should get there no later than eight this evening.”